Death is simply a shedding of the physical body,
like the butterfly shedding its cocoon
It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue
to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and be able to grow.

~Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross~

Funeral Etiquette Matters

As we embrace so many new technologies and lifestyle changes that make life more convenient, there is still an argument for maintaining some traditions, namely when it comes to paying respects.

Memorial and funeral services are the essence of dignity, honor, tradition, and respect. They are a place for mourning, but also celebration as we acknowledge a good life, a loss, and the memories that live on through loved ones and generations to come. If there is ever a place where the significance of etiquette, tact, respect, and grace meet, it is in these last moments of a life celebration.

And, while the majority of us understand the significance and symbolism of such an occasion, there are some traditions that are products of generational preference that are no longer as meaningful today. Likewise, there are many accidental mistakes made now that can disrupt or even belittle the service.



Modern and Timeless Etiquette

To clear some of the confusion and keep you and your loved ones from making a funeral faux pas, here are some recommendations that stand for any service.


Funeral Attire

The old rule of wearing all black at a funeral is unnecessary. In fact, many different cultures associate mourning with colors such as white or yellow. Some mourners choose to wear colors associated with their loved ones favorite color, or bright colors that embody the celebratory aspects of life.


The only recommendation is to keep most outfits within the boundaries of what’s considered somewhat conservative. This has more to do with keeping focus on the departed than on fashion.


Respect for Time
While it might be OK to show up a few minutes late for coffee with a friend, once the church or facility doors close, it is more respectful to wait until the break in the service than to come in and potentially disrupt the eulogy. Try to arrive early, in anticipation of traffic or parking challenges.


Children

Many parents make the thoughtful decision to include their children when saying goodbye to a loved one. Depending on the age of the child, this can be a powerful means of healing and understanding concepts related to end of life.


However, very young children and infants can sometimes create a stressful situation for both the parents and others in attendance. Before bringing your child to a memorial or funeral service, consider age, maturity, and your ability to attend to unexpected responses or needs.


Religious and Cultural Preferences

It is often in the best interest of the memory of the person being honored to try and align readings, tributes, and eulogy content with the beliefs and values of the deceased. These services are generally not the best time or place for departures from the things the deceased held dear or the time to make a political statement. It’s typically customary to follow the tone and meaning set in motion by those closest to the deceased, be they friends or relatives.


Phones and Other Distractions

In the interest of the ceremony and those in attendance, either leave cell phones in the car or muted during all phases of the service. Avoid fumbling with phones, texting, or reading texts during the service.


Likewise, before bringing in any audio or visual device, make sure it is in the request of the family or close friends, and in conjunction with the service itself.


We are fortunate to have many more options and expressions in how we mourn and celebrate the life of our loved one. Still, the beauty of a memorial service and funeral lies in their exquisite attention to and honoring of the one we love.


To avoid distractions from this sacred occasion, consult with a Maple Hill staff member who will be glad to help you make decisions that affirm and cherish your loved one, friend, or family member.

Funeral Poem: "When I’m Gone"

"When I’m Gone"

-Mrs. Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile
Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I’ve had loads of fun
Forget that I’ve stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day
Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay
And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best

Dia De Los Muertos

Dia de los Muertos—the Day of the Dead—is a holiday celebrated on November 1. Although marked throughout Latin America, Dia de los Muertos is most strongly associated with Mexico, where the tradition originated.

Dia de los Muertos honors the dead with festivals and lively celebrations, a typically Latin American custom that combines indigenous Aztec ritual with Catholicism, brought to the region by Spanish conquistadores. (Dia de los Muertos is celebrated on All Saints Day and All Souls Day, minor holidays in the Catholic calendar.)

Assured that the dead would be insulted by mourning or sadness, Dia de los Muertos celebrates the lives of the deceased with food, drink, parties, and activities the dead enjoyed in life. Dia de los Muertos recognizes death as a natural part of the human experience, a continuum with birth, childhood, and growing up to become a contributing member of the community. On Dia de los Muertos, the dead are also a part of the community, awakened from their eternal sleep to share celebrations with their loved ones.

The most familiar symbol of Dia de los Muertos may be the calacas and calaveras (skeletons and skulls), which appear everywhere during the holiday: in candied sweets, as parade masks, as dolls. Calacas and calaveras are almost always portrayed as enjoying life, often in fancy clothes and entertaining situations.

When a loss hits us,
we have not only the particular loss to mourn
but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions
of what life should be.
These life beliefs must be mourned separately.
Sometimes we must grieve for them first.
We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of
"It's not supposed to happen this way" . . .
We intellectually know that bad things happen ~
but to other people, not us,
and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . .
Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does.
You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up,
one that has room for the realities of life
and still offers safety and hope for a different life:
a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own
to be discovered with life and loss.
Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant
pushes its head upward, out of the ruin.
In our grief process, we are moving into life from death,
without denying the devastation that came before.

-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, in
On Grief and Grieving : Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Celebrate Life!

Light a sky lantern with your loved one’s name on it and a message and release it at night.

This could be done for a celebration of life service, or on another special occasion. If you have lost several family members, you could release a number of lanterns at once.