How to Be Helpful in Times of Grief: What to Avoid Saying

Some phrases and words of advice, even if they're well-intentioned, could make others feel worse and magnify their grief. In general, try to avoid:

Comparing their loss to yours: When someone dies, it makes us think about our own experiences, but saying "I know just how you feel—when my mother/friend/dog died last year..." isn't comforting. Even though you're trying to help or connect by empathizing, it might feel insulting to the other person, like you're trying to minimize the pain he or she is feeling.  Every death is unique. A more appropriate response may be to acknowledge—without direction and empathy—that this is a difficult time, e.g., "This must be very difficult, and I can't truly understand what it must be like right now."

Talking about the afterlife or adding religious remarks: Unless you know and share the other person's beliefs, saying things like "he's in a better place now" or citing Bible verses could really be offensive or, at the very least, unmeaningful.

Minimizing the person's pain or trying to "fix" the pain: Other unhelpful remarks include: "We all have to deal with loss," "Time heals all wounds," "Things always work out for the best,"

Telling them how to feel or how they will feel: Again, everyone processes the loss of a loved one differently. Saying "you shouldn't feel that way" could make the other person feel ashamed or guilty.